My inexpensive home security system…
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Did my cat write this
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.