Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.