“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties