My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
shut up and take my money
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.