Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration