You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
this is uni
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
This is true.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!