Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”