Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You Might Also Like
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.