Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?