How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
the Monday after daylight savings
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.