me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?