“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married