My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Omg 🤣
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it