Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Just parrot things
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Dishonest mechanic?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about