Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
You Might Also Like
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?