Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
termite twitter scares me
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me, reading some of your tweets
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Midwest trash talk
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.