Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
my dog when i have a friend over
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
knights of the ikea table
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”