There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.