My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.