#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Clients after you give them your rates
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?