A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
You Might Also Like
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
💯😂
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…