This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
accurate
the battle rages on
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!