I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”