Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*limbos away from your hug*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.