if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!