Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!