There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Maths meets science
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun