I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔