UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.