I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
sugar glider wrangler
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄