ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us