I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
You Might Also Like
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
This why you should mind your business
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE