I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you