BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.