Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You Might Also Like
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats