Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?