i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water