judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.