*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Bond. Trauma bond.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6