-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
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“what that mouth do?” complain
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“Why you watching this shit?”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
this is uni
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge