HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I hate everything
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.