[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again