“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
You Might Also Like
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
How to draw a duck
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.