*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Eat…