You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Clients after you give them your rates
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…