Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun