When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it