Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.