*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕