“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters